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Leaving, Cleaving, and Protecting Your Marriage

03.31.2023

Leaving and cleaving—making a lifelong commitment to your spouse that takes priority over your parental relationships—can be hard. The Hebrew word for this union means being literally “glued” to your partner, not just physically, but emotionally, socially, and spiritually too. And that (not surprisingly) can lead to some sticky situations.

Robbie and I got married young—fresh out of college—and the clash in our expectations about who was supposed to do what played itself out almost every night I the kitchen. Robbie wasn’t as helpful as my dad had been, and I let him know it—sometimes with sarcasm (I billed it as “humor”), sometimes by banging a few pots and pans, and sometimes by giving my brand-new husband the silent treatment.

I also prayed. “Lord, can’t you fix Robbie?”, I’d say.

Meanwhile, Robbie was probably praying some “fix my spouse” prayers of his own. His mom is one of the most selfless women I’ve ever met, and since his dad worked so hard (often leaving their home well before daylight to get to the office), she would get up when he did so she could fix his breakfast. One time, he came back from the restroom at 2:30 a.m. to find the bed made and his wife on the way to the kitchen. “I’m sorry,” she laughed. “I thought we were up!”

I adore my mother-in-law. And in many ways, I want to be just like her. But that doesn’t mean I’m above pretending to be still asleep when I hear Robbie stirring in the hope that he’ll get up, start the coffee, and let the dog out.

No perfect families

Not only does leaving and cleaving mean taking two people from two distinct backgrounds and trying to merge them into one functional and happy relationship. It also means trying to navigate healthy relationships with the people you’ve left.

The Bible showcases several particularly dysfunctional situations: Jacob (who woke up married to the wrong bride, thanks to her father’s treachery), Tamar (who impersonated a prostitute in order to have sex with her widowed father-in-law after he did her wrong), and David (whose father-in-law gave his wife to another man, both to make David angry and to block his claim to the kingship). These stories must have been incredibly painful, but they didn’t end there. Jacob, Tamar and David all show up in the lineage of Jesus. God took their worst pain points and redeemed them, and he can do the same thing for us.

Scripture also highlights some beautiful in-law dynamics. When Moses found himself overwhelmed by the Israelites’ needs and disputes, his father-in-law came up with a workable plan, which Moses gratefully put in to practice. Peter’s mother-in-law lived with him in what was evidently a domestic situation marked by mutual love, service, and delight in caring for one another. And Ruth’s steadfast loyalty to her mother-in-law transformed not just their desperate lives but, generations later, the whole world through the birth of Jesus.

There is no perfect family, of course, and no flawless in-law relationship. But is there anything we can do to point our families in the direction of folks like Peter, Moses, and Ruth, and away from the manipulative, painful, or dysfunctional patterns that may be part of our own family stories?

Three ways to honor your in-laws (and protect your marriage)

“Honor your father and your mother,” says Deuteronomy 5:16, “so that you may live long and that it may go well with you.” That’s a command (and a promise) that doesn’t expire when you get married. Honoring our parents is a lifelong obligation and privilege, even in families where everything in us screams that they don’t deserve it.

Does that mean doing everything our parents and in-laws want? No. It means showing them love and respect. Speaking with kindness and grace. Treating them the way we’d like to be treated—even as we honor and protect our own marriages. As Robbie and I have looked at couples who’ve done the “leaving and cleaving” thing well, even amid challenging family dynamics, we’ve identified a handful of strategies that can help.

First, don’t make decisions without your spouse’s input.

Parents and in-laws may have all sorts of plans or advice they want you to follow—input about everything from how you spend holidays to how you handle your finances to how you parent their grandchildren—but at the end of the day, unity with your spouse should always trump parent-pleasing. Listen to your in-laws, thank them for their opinion, and then do what you and your spouse believe to be best.

Second, find out what says “I love you” to your folks and do that.

Much has been made about “love languages” in marriage—affirming words, quality time, material gifts, acts of service, and physical touch—but these things apply to our parent and in-law relationships too.

Is your mother-in-law big on celebrating birthdays? Plan ahead to honor her with a special gathering or, if gifts make her feel loved, think about what she might like to receive. Is your father-in-law an NFL fan? Brush up on his favorite team and call him to talk about how they’re doing—or, if you live nearby, watch a game together. Send your folks a handwritten note for no reason other than to express appreciation. These little acts of kindness don’t take a lot of time, but they demonstrate love and respect and help create a climate in which trust—and healthy communication—can flourish.

And finally, trust God to work in and through your marriage.

Every marriage is different, but we have this in common: We’re all imperfect people who come from imperfect families. We need the presence of a perfect God to work in our midst, knitting together our mismatched histories, equipping us to honor our parents and in-laws, and showing us how to establish healthy family dynamics for generations to come.

God glued you together in marriage. Whatever your background and whatever in-law pressures you may find yourself facing, you can link arms with the Lord—knowing that he holds your relationship in his hands—and press forward together.

“He’s like you Dad! Except he’s brilliant!”

Again, leaving and cleaving is tricky, even in the most picture-perfect families—families where (to quote Annie Banks), “He’s like you Dad! Except he’s brilliant!”

Whether you’re just starting out, you’ve been married for years, or you’re a mom (or a dad!) who’s getting ready to let go of your child, a few prayers from the new book can help:

Heavenly Father,

(For parents of the bride and/or groom): Help us release our children so that they can hold fast to each other, becoming one flesh in every way. (Genesis 2:24)

(For the bride and/or groom): Show us how to honor our parents and in-laws so that it may go well with us and we may enjoy a long life on earth. (Ephesians 6:2-3)

(For any marriage): As we consider our different upbringings, help us reject what is wrong, hold tightly to what is good, and delight in honoring one another. (Romans 12:9-10)

Amen

❤️

P.S. Don’t forget that when you preorder Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage, you can get immediate access to a set of 20 different Conversation Cards that feature topics like getting started, protecting your marriage, and leaving and cleaving. Visit JodieBerndt.com for details.

Gorillas on the guest list? That sounds fun!

03.17.2023

Some weddings are more fun than others.

And in what I still consider one of the biggest wedding whoopsies of all time, we didn’t hire a photographer to capture the memories when my mother married John 17 years ago. You’ll just have to use your imagination when I tell you that a gorilla kidnapped Mom off the dance floor and whisked her away in a boat, whereupon John–looking every bit like James Bond in his spiffy tuxedo–jumped on a jet ski and gave chase.

Gorillas on the guest list or not, the union of husband and wife is, as we’re often reminded at weddings, “intended by God for their mutual joy.” God wants us to have fun together! And laughter, as it turns out, really is good medicine: According to researchers at the Mayo Clinic, it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and soothes tension through improved circulation. It combats depression and anxiety and increases self esteem. And the positive thoughts that trigger laughter also release neuropeptides that improve our immune systems.

Not only that, but laughter can help us connect and “make it easier to cope with difficult situations.”

What marriage couldn’t use more of that?

Get serious about having fun

Having fun together might sound like something that happens naturally in a marriage (why would you marry somebody you didn’t enjoy?). But even the most upbeat, well-matched couples will go through hard seasons–months or years, even–when we need to guard against joy stealers like stress and fatigue.

So what do we do? How do we intentionally make space to play, to enjoy one another, to laugh?

You could order a book of dad jokes. I did that one year for Robbie (Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent), and we shared a few groans. In retrospect, a better idea is to talk to our actual Dad–the one who wants us to have fun and be joyful–and ask him to help. We can borrow King David’s words to shape our prayer: “Make known to us the path of life; fill us with joy in your presence.” (Psalm 16:11)

As we pray, we can also ask ourselves a few questions:

What would it take for us to be more intentional about having fun?

Are there things we need to let go of in order to make space to play? Do we need to get away together?

What does fun look like to you?

Having fun looks different for everyone. For instance, Robbie has fun anytime that he’s on a boat. Me, I have fun anytime I can talk my man into pretending he’s happy to be in a picture with one of my books.

Don’t yuck each other’s yum

As you think about what you and your spouse might want to do–take a dance class, attend a music festival, or embark on some unexpected adventure–take turns making plans. And try to make twice-a-month date nights a regular part of your marriage routine. According to a new report from the National Marriage Project at UVA and the Wheatley Institute, regularly dating your spouse is linked to a happier and more stable relationship–one marked by better communication, less stress, more satisfying sex, and a stronger commitment to their marriage.

(All of which sounds fun to me!)

And as our daughters told us when they were teens, “Don’t yuck each other’s yum.” Just because something doesn’t sound fun to you doesn’t mean it won’t be fun if you try it–at least once–with your spouse. Robbie rolled his eyes when I bought a pickleball net and handed him the sidewalk chalk to map out a court in our driveway. Maybe it’s because the driveway slants a bit and is ringed by some particularly prickly holly bushes, but when we invited another couple to join us, we laughed ’til our stomachs hurt.

Brainstorm some ideas and give them a try. Be intentional about creating a climate in which laughter can thrive. And whether you’re naturally funny or not (and if not, that’s okay; the world needs regular people who appreciate the fact that other people invite gorillas to show up at their wedding), ask God to help you rejoice.

Jesus came, after all, to tell us how to live so his joy would be in us and our joy, as John 15:11 puts it, would be “full.”

❤️

P.S. There’s a whole chapter on having fun together in the new book. And when you pre-order a copy of Praying the Scriptures for Marriage, you can get immediate access to a set of printable conversation cards, a collection designed to help you connect with each other (and with God!) about all sorts of topics.

And while I have no idea who snapped this photo, I’m forever grateful to the guest who had the presence of mind to take a pic on the dance floor, moments before the D.J. started playing the theme from King Kong…

God’s Purpose for Your Marriage

03.03.2023

Why did (or do) you want to get married? Other than the obvious reasons—you love someone and want to spend your life with that person—is there a bigger purpose at work?

Robbie and I hadn’t really talked about marriage before he proposed (it’s one of two times I’ve been utterly gobsmacked by a move that he’s made), and we certainly didn’t head to the altar with any sort of goal or “purpose” in mind. Sure, we had big-picture ideas—I envisioned kids and the picket-fence thing; I am pretty sure Robbie wanted a dog (and “I” got a birthday puppy one year, which was the second gobsmack)—but we’d never really considered what God thought about marriage. Or what his vision for our marriage might be.

Now, nearly four decades later, I am finally waking up to the fact that God does have a vision for marriage. As I pulled the pages together for the new book—talking with dozens of couples about their own perspectives on purpose and exploring the Bible to see what God had to say—I’m boiling it all down to this:

God wants us to bear fruit in our marriages and he wants our relationships to showcase the gospel.

The Christian idea of marriage is one of mutual submission and service, one where we give up ourselves—our rights, our desires, our position, our needs—for each other out of love. Even (maybe especially?) when we are not pretty or perfect, or we don’t think that the other person deserves it.

The privilege we have to build marriages that reflect the gospel as we “walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” is the theme that undergirds pretty much every chapter in Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. But the other part of our mission—the fruit-bearing part—can look different for every couple. Sure, it’s a charge the Lord gives to every believer (he chose us, he says in John 15:16, so that we might go and bear lasting fruit), but how do we do that, exactly?

A vision for your marriage

For many folks, the idea of “being fruitful” in marriage means having children. (At least that’s what my mom seems to think, since she signed every one of our engagement and wedding gift cards with Genesis 1:28 and a big smiley face.) Honestly though, that’s only part of the picture. The fruit-bearing charge is one that pops up again and again in the Bible. “I chose you,” Jesus says in John 15:16, “so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last.”

So how do we do that, exactly? How can we be sure that our lives—and more specifically, our marriages—will be meaningful and productive, in a way that endures? What if we have different ideas about, say, the best uses of money and time? How can we merge our individual (maybe even competing) desires so we have a unified sense of calling?

Those are legitimate questions—questions that have led many couples to lean in and do the same thing many businesses and ministries do and create a “purpose statement” for their marriage.

Having a purpose statement is like adding bumper guards to your relationship: it can keep you in your own lane as you consider the unlimited ways to spend your limited time, talents, and energy. Some couples write their statement in paragraph form, others prefer bullet points that detail their core values (service, adventure, humility, etc.). One fellow I talked with keeps notebooks for the different goals he and his wife have for their marriage; other people—like my mom and her husband—keep their vision simple. “We just want to bless and cherish each other,” Mom told me, “and then do that again the next day.”

Praying about your purpose

Whether you’ve got a big picture vision, a detailed notebook, or you find yourself somewhere in between, it can help to remember what Jesus says about purposeful, productive living: “If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” Put another way, the power to discover and live out our purpose doesn’t come from our own strength or striving; it comes from our attachment to Christ.

Not only that, but Jesus makes it pretty clear that fruitfulness begins with prayer. “If you remain in me and my words remain in you,” he continues in John 15:7-8, “ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you. This is to my father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

Ask…that you bear much fruit.

If praying about your purpose (and doing so with your spouse) feels awkward or unfamiliar, you’re not alone. Research suggests that only 4 percent of Christian couples pray together—about anything—despite evidence that points to a divorce rate of less than 1 percent among those who pray together daily. Still though, I want you encourage you to give it a try, even if it’s just for five or ten minutes. Set a timer if that helps; do what works!

As you pray, start by asking the Holy Spirit to help you answer some clarifying questions:

What are your individual strengths? What unique gifts do you have as a couple? What is it that you find easy to do, where others might struggle?

What do you love to do, even if it’s hard? When do you feel most alive? What gives you purpose and joy?

Where can you make an impact? What does your wider sphere of influence look like? How might God want to use you in that space?

Those questions aren’t meant to be all-inclusive; rather, they’re designed to help form your thoughts as you pray. And where you come up against thorny patches—individual strengths that feel competitive, priorities that seem misaligned, personality traits or individual longings that have you and your spouse pointed in opposite directions—bring those to God, too.

Your differences don’t catch God by surprise; in fact, they may be the very things that equip you to fulfill your calling. They may be what makes you, as our friends Alyssa and Jefferson Bethke put it, “Stronger together.”

You can read more about fulfilling your purpose in the new book. It releases April 25, and—

What’s that you say? You don’t want to wait? You want to start bearing fruit now?

Well alrighty then. I’ve got some good news. Great news, actually. All you need to do is pre-order the book (which is super easy; click here) and then click here to let us know your order number. We’ll send you a set of 20 different conversation cards—including one on FULFILLING YOUR PURPOSE—so you can start talking (and praying!) about all sorts of good marriage topics TODAY!

I hope you like these cards as much as Robbie and I do. We had fun coming up with the questions—they got us talking!—and now we’re having even more fun talking to God about all of the stuff!

More to come in the weeks ahead—and as always, I am grateful for you!

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 15:5-6)

Talk to me…like lovers do

03.01.2023

Want some fresh ways to talk to your spouse–and to God–about your marriage?

I’m sliding into your inbox today with the quickest announcement about my favorite freebie of all time: CONVERSATION CARDS.

Good communication is vital to any relationship, especially marriage. We’ve designed these CONVERSATION CARDS with 20 unique questions and prayer prompts based on my new book, Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. Sized just right for slipping into a pocket or purse, the cards are perfect for date nights, breakfast table convos, or any time you and your spouse want to connect–with each other and God–in a meaningful way.

Here’s the best part: The set is FREE when you pre-order the book! And you don’t have to wait for release day on April 25; you can download the cards today! Just pop over to jodieberndt.com and enter your order number on the form that pops up. We’ll send you an email with the link to download; all you need to do is print ’em, cut ’em out, and start talking!

“Then those whose lives honored God got together and talked it over. God saw what they were doing and listened in.” (Malachi 3:16 MSG)

Five best ways to talk to your spouse

02.08.2023

This post about how you can talk to your spouse appeared earlier this week at Club31Women, a place where you’ll find articles, books, and other helpful resources to help your family flourish. I’m sharing the article here in case you missed it—and because I want you, my email friends, to be the first to access TWO FREE CHAPTERS from the new book that can help you talk (and listen!) to your spouse with love.

My husband Robbie and I once hosted a large dinner party where, to ensure a good mix of conversation at every table, we seated guests according to whether we thought of them as a Q or an L. Everything was going well—everyone seemed engaged in some lively discussion—until one of the “L’s” noticed the scrap of paper I forgot to remove from under his plate and demanded to know what it was.

Not knowing how else to handle the situation, I confessed.

“You’re kind of loud” I said, “so you got an L. The gal to your left is a bit quieter—she listens more than she talks—so she’s a Q.”

The room went silent for a beat and then erupted in laughter as the L’s began identifying (and congratulating) themselves on being the life of the party. The Q’s exchanged knowing glances, which made them seem mysterious and alluring.

Neither communication style is the “right” one; talkative or reserved, we all have room to improve. And when it comes to marriage, if we want to talk—and listen—to our partner with love, five strategies can help.

Five strategies for talking with love

First, set the stage. As unromantic as it might sound, good communication flourishes with a little advance planning. Pick a regular time to connect—whether it’s a weekly date night or ten minutes every morning over a pot of French press coffee—even if you don’t have anything major to discuss. That way, when something important does come along, the pathway to being present for each other will be comfortable and familiar.

Second, don’t expect your spouse to be a mind reader. I’ll never forget the gal who texted her fiancé on Valentine’s Day to say she did not need flowers. To her, that was a hint: she’d really like to get flowers. To him, it was confusing—especially because he had (fortunately!) already purchased a bouquet. Clear communication is key; we have to say what we mean. And if a topic is particularly important, it can help to ask, “Is this a good time to talk?” as a way to be sure that your partner is paying attention.

Third, keep it positive. Our brains retain more negative than positive thoughts, and the buildup from hurtful or disparaging words can create an atmosphere of hopelessness or resentment. We’ll obviously need to talk about difficult things, but we can choose how we frame these conversations. If finding something positive to say feels like a stretch, ask God to show you how He sees your spouse. Be alert to the beauty God reveals and speak that—both to and about your spouse. Studies show that speaking well of someone actually influences you to look on them more favorably and with greater appreciation! A win-win!

Fourth, be responsive. Every day, we make dozens of observations or requests of our spouse, often with something as simple as, “Look at that sunset!” When you recognize and reply to what’s been said (“Wow! That is beautiful!”), connection happens. When you ignore your partner (or pay more attention to your phone or the TV or whatever), bonds break down. Look for ways to connect and show support for each other in the seemingly insignificant interactions of daily life.

And finally, ask questions. Even the simplest queries—What’s the best thing that happened today?—can make your spouse feel valued and loved. Jesus understood the power and importance of questions, and he asked far more than he answered: Do you want to get well? Why are you so afraid? What do you think?

Jesus knew all the answers, of course. His questions weren’t intended to produce information; rather, they were designed to build relationships, create conversation, and take his listeners to a new level of understanding. Which, at the end of the day, is what we all want in our marriages, right?

We all want to be deeply known.

We want to be understood.

It doesn’t matter if we are loud, quiet, or somewhere in between; we all want to be able to look at our spouse and ask what may well be the most powerful of all the Lord’s questions—Do you love me?—and know that the answer is yes.

Make it personal (and get a sneak peek at the new book)

Think about the communication patterns in your marriage. Do your words build up or tear down? Do you confide in your spouse? Ask good questions? If you don’t have a regular date night or “connection time” on the calendar, build that into your schedule. It may feel awkward at first, but trust God to work in and through your conversation as you build a marriage where intimacy and connection can flourish.

You can read more about good communication in Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage: Trusting God with Your Most Important Relationship. The book is available now for pre-order (click here), but if you just can’t wait to get started, click here to get exclusive early access to two chapters designed to help us talk (and listen!) with love.

And in the meantime, here are three of my favorite “talking and listening with love” prayers you can use right this minute to pray for your marriage:

Heavenly Father,

May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing in your sight. (Psalm 19:14)

Let our conversations be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that we will know how to answer each other. (Colossians 4:6)

Tune our ears toward wisdom and our hearts to understanding, especially as we talk about _______. (Proverbs 2:2)

Amen